In college, I had an archenemy. His name, as many people reading this will know, was English Jesse. English Jesse was long, lanky, and arrogant. He had an English accent, even though he had lived in/grown up on Long Island. He studied film. He was good friends with both my roommates, so he was around a lot. I hated him.
One day, English Jesse showed up in our dorm room (Brittany Hall, Suite 203) with a cap gun. He asked, in his stupid English accent, where my roommate was. I informed him that he was at the store, but would be returning shortly. English Jesse ran to our window and stood inside it like Malcolm X, waiting for my roommate to return. And then…
My Favorite Thing That Has Ever Happened happened.
English Jesse saw my roommate walking towards the building and decided he would wait just inside the front door for him. He ran excitedly, thrilled that he would get a chance to threaten him with his cap gun. However, and it is a glorious however, English Jesse’s lanky legs got tangled in the cord for our curtain, and he went flying through the air, gangly legs running as he flew parallel to the ground, his face bouncing off the floor less than an inch from the corner of my bed. It was, and maybe still is, the funniest thing I have ever witnessed.
And of course, being a cocky Englishman, English Jesse just bounced off the ground, got back to his feet, and was there waiting to threaten my roommate while my friend Christen (who was also a witness to all this) and I just laughed.
In the years since then, my hatred for English Jesse has intensified to such a point that I kind of like him now.
However. I will never–NEVER–like Liam Tancock.
He is the epitome of smarm.
And his name is Liam Tancock.
God damn that is the most annoying name I have ever heard.
Last night, he raced in the Olympics. He was leading for a while. He eventually finished sixth. I cheered loudly.
So you all can root for Michael Phelps. I am rooting against Liam Tancock.