So on Saturday night I found myself up at the Deeluxe (apartment in the sky) with Barry Bonds and Kitt Kittredge (some names have been changed to protect the innocent). Usually Deeeluxe procedure is to play Wii and/or various other games that encourage community building and inappropriate yelling. With just the three of use in attendance though, we decided to take an alternate route to the night’s entertainment. A particular bizarre strain of conversation jumping led us to a discussion of our all-time favorite sitcom characters, which immediately turned into what you’re going to read about today.

We decided to hold a fantasy draft of favorite television characters. The rules were simple (and often made up as we went along). Today, I’ll post the first three rounds of the draft, along with comments. We’ll proceed like this for a few days, then get to the final analysis, which will be based on actual conversations we had about the proceedings.

A final note before we begin: when Kitt Kittredge and I were crashing on Barry Bond’s L-shaped couch that night, falling into the kind of deep sleep one can only have after a night full of hard fought silliness and time-wasting, she calmly stated “I’m not sure whether it is sad or awesome that we’re over 30 and this is our life.” Neither am I, Kitt. Neither am I.


1. Smichovsky selects Claire Fisher, Six Feet Underthose of you who know me know that this is entirely to be expected. If this was a for-real fantasy draft, this pick would be a horrible reach, as it’s unlikely that either of my foes would have selected her at all, let alone within the first few rounds. At this point, we had no idea how long the draft would be going on, let alone why the hell we were doing it (well, we still don’t have an idea why), so I went for my all-time favorite character on any television show ever.

2. Team Kittredge selects Kermit The Frog, The Muppet Show/Sesame Street — this pick was greeted by oohs and aahs. I mean, you start to think about the all-time greats, and somehow, the average mind doesn’t go to perhaps the all-time great himself. Unless you’re Kitt Kittredge, of course. Barry Bonds and I knew the game had gotten serious after just the second pick.

3. Team Bonds (or Team Deeeluxe, if you want) selects Angus Macguyver, Macguyver — a name I never would have even thought of, especially this high, Macguyver would prove to be a very successful pick when all was said and done. In fact, I don’t even know much about the show, other than that Macguyver would, well, Macguyver stuff he needed out of paper clips and chewing gum. This clip makes me think I missed out (or maybe it’s just that song).


4. Team Deeeluxe selects Jean-Luc Picard, Star Trek: The Next Generation — a pattern was beginning to develop here already for this team, as a second intelligent, resourceful leader made the squad.

5. Team Kittredge selects Alex P. Keaton, Family Ties — Family Ties feels like a forgotten TV show to me. It hasn’t been on in reruns for a while, has it? I feel like there are entire generations of kids who don’t know what a huge star Michael J. Fox was while doing this show. I never loved Family Ties when I was growing up, but in retrospect, I think that’s because I missed a lot of the politics at work in the show’s basic premise. I think I’d really come to appreciate it more if I watched it now.

6. Team Smichovsky selects Homer J. Simpson, The Simpsons — remember when this show started and it was about Bart? The switch to Homer as focus turned this into one of the best damn shows of all-time. Sadly, this pick would, much like the Bonds pick of last round, establish a pattern to my selections.


7. Smichovsky selects Eric Cartman, South Park — So I end up selecting fat, goofy losers to combat the powerful leaders and worldwide icons of the other squads–and I’m happy to stand behind these picks. Cartman has got to be the most ridiculous, awful, and hilarious character I’ve ever seen. (It’s virtually impossible to get a youtube link to South Park stuff, so you’ll have to go here.)

8. Team Kittredge selects Kevin Arnold, The Wonder Years — And the patterns continue. Kermit + Alex Keaton + Kevin Arnold = sensitivity (c) Ralph Tresvant. Of course this team was picked by a girl.

9. Team Deeeluxe selects Al Bundy, Married With Children — the fearless leader thing goes out at the window. Pure, sheer FOX hilarity. The everyman. A heck of a pick.

More soon. Lots more soon.